Lead:
To determine whether to overturn the principal’s decision on jim stack’s request to grow his hair out, the school board will meet Monday night at 7PM.
transitions & quotes:
“Had I approved Jim’s request,Then I would have students everyday asking if they also could break the dress code[ involving hair growth]” principal Tonya King says. The school dress code states “male hair must not be longer than collar length”.
King also says “There are others ways Jim could help the Locks Of Love group[A foundation that makes wigs for cancer patients] we could have a fundraiser and donate the money to the organization”.
Stack was told a lot of people donate money, but not very many people donate hair “Mrs.King said I should have a fundraiser instead,but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it”.
Every month Locks Of Love receive about 200 request from families who cannot afford a wig and every month they turn down about 150 of those request.Gisel Roco, president of Locks Of Love says “We desperately need human hair for our wigs”
The student council wrote a letter to the school board in support of stack. The letter was signed by 350 students, and attached was listed 150 students willing to grow hair and donate to Locks of love. Bill valdez, school Board president says” I think its cool that Jim wants to do this, I don’t see what the big deal is anyway.Girls have long hair and no one gets distracted. Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one”.
1. Your lead is too short. You are too wordy also in your lead. Find words that you use in four fords into one word.
(in your first lead, why is there no space between the comma and t and why is ‘T’ canalized?)
2. Why did you say ‘she also says’ and make a different paragraph? You also shouldn’t start your lead/ quote (whatever it is) with ‘person’ said.
3. Your news story is really short. Your format is not correct. Every quote and every lead should begin a new paragraph. (in the last paragraph you didn’t capitalize Stack)
Daisy, learn to space between a period and the next letter)
1. I like your quotes. They fit your ‘leads’.
2. You are very specific on details.
3. Decent transitions.
HERE IS YOUR WHOLE STORY, I AM GOING THROUGH IT WITH COMMENTS IN ALL CAPS. IT NEEDS TO BE REFORMATTED THE WAY I AM SHOWING YOU NOW.
To determine whether to overturn the principal’s decision on Jim stack’s request to grow his hair out FOR CHARITY, the school board will meet Monday night at 7PM.
PRETTY GOOD JOB.
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students everyday asking if they also could break the dress code[ involving hair growth]” principal Tonya King says. USE “SAID” INSTEAD OF “SAYS.”
The school dress code states “male hair must not be longer than collar length.” YOU DON’T NEED THE QUOTES AROUND THIS AND EACH TRANSITION SHOULD BE ITS OWN PARAGRAPH.
King also says “There are others ways Jim could help the Locks Of Love group[A foundation that makes wigs for cancer patients] we could have a fundraiser and donate the money to the organization”.
THIS SHOULD BE DONE LIKE THIS: “There are others ways Jim could help the Locks Of Love group [A foundation that makes wigs for cancer patients] we could have a fundraiser and donate the money to the organization,” KING SAID.
THE PRESIDENT OF LOCKS OF LOVE GISEL ROCO TOLD STACK THAT a lot of people donate money, but not very many people donate hair.
“Mrs. King said I should have a fundraiser instead, but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it,” STACK SAID.
Every month Locks Of Love receive about 200 request from families who cannot afford a wig and every month they turn down about 150 of those request.
“We desperately need human hair for our wigs,” ROCO SAID.
The student council wrote a letter to the school board in support of stack. The letter was signed by 350 students, and attached was listed 150 students willing to grow hair and donate to Locks of love.
“I think its cool that Jim wants to do this, I don’t see what the big deal is anyway,” SCHOOL BOARD PRESIDENT BILL VALDEZ SAID. “Girls have long hair and no one gets distracted. Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”
your lead is very good and short and your transitions follow your quotes
but they could have been better.
Bad:
Each transition should be its own paragraph
put ”said that person” after the quote
Talk about the sister.
Good:
great lead
great quote
You are very specific on details.